Questions are powerful communication tools that are frequently abused. Questions often degrade communication because we’re terrible questioners, but great cross-examiners. There are four common types of faulty questions.

Interrogating questions. Conversations shouldn’t make people feel like the authorities are breathing down their neck. To avoid sounding like an interrogator: (1) don’t ask too many questions in a row, (2) don’t get too personal or too probing with your questions, and (3) offer at least a modicum of sharing in the conversation. Monitor the rate and nature of your questions, and make sure you are providing material as well as extracting it from the conversation.

Loaded questions. Is this the best report you could produce? Are you still renting? Do any of your friends work? Are you still dating him? People hate loaded questions because they are actually criticisms in a very poor disguise. You aren’t fooling anyone by sticking a question mark at the end of a criticism. Cut it out.

Leading questions. Don’t you think it’s a good idea to transfer Jim to Siberia? Wouldn’t it be nice if we took a cruise? Don’t you think we should visit my mother? Wouldn’t that sofa look great in our living room? Leading questions—where the “right” answer is clearly signaled in the question—insult your conversational partner’s intelligence. If you know what you want, make a case for it instead: Jim should be transferred to Siberia because…; I think we should take a cruise because…; We should visit my mother because…; I’d like to buy this sofa because…

Unanswerable questions. Here’s the thing: Questions are supposed to be answered, so if you really don’t want an answer, don’t ask a question. Unanswerable questions—also called rhetorical questions—will confuse half the people and be construed as a dare to answer by the other half. And people will often surprise you with their ability to creatively answer a question that was supposed to go unanswered. The rhetorical question: Why do I put up with this? Might generate the response: Because you can’t do any better! The question: What’s the point of talking to you? Might be answered: Don’t bother, I’m ignoring you anyway! Improve your conversations by leaving the rhetorical questions to Shakespeare.

Bad questioning habits often cause apprehension, anxiety, and mistrust in a conversation, and can lead your conversational partner to conclude that your questions aren’t fair. Pay attention to the kinds of questions you ask, and eliminate your bad questioning habits.

(Please note: We’ve previously discussed tips for asking good questions here.)

Losing your focus. You will bewilder—and possibly annoy—the person you are talking to if you allow yourself to become diverted during a conversation. Common diversions include scanning incoming text messages or emails, answering a ringing phone, typing or texting during a conversation, or letting your eyes wander off frequently. Stay focused on the conversation at hand, because a loss of focus is highly contagious.

Having a disorganized message. Disjointed, tangent-laden conversations drive people crazy. It’s your job to help the other person understand what you are saying, so do your conversational partner—and your message—a favor and get organized before you start talking.

Overloading the conversation. Conversations can only handle a limited amount of information or emotional freight before they begin to fragment under the strain and confusion sets in. Fragmentation can happen in meetings and presentations when people are exposed to too much information in a relatively short period of time. When arguments fragment, it is usually from too much emotional material, although arguments can also fragment from too much information. Once conversations fragment—either from excessive information or excessive emotional material—it is almost always best to take a break and return to the conversation later. It is usually unproductive, but harmless, to remain in a meeting or a presentation after overload has set in, but don’t remain in an argument after it fractures. Continuing to argue once confusion takes hold can be especially harmful to the underlying relationship.

Quirky mannerisms. There are dozens of idiosyncratic behaviors that can distract people during a conversation. Examples include: awkward body movements like fidgeting, excessive gesturing, or bulging your eyes; distracting verbal tendencies like strange pausing between statements or habitual coughing or laughter; and repeating trite words or phrases like you know or like. The most effective way to find and correct your distracting mannerisms is to videotape yourself in a conversation. Most quirks can be extinguished when you make a conscious effort to stop them, so grab a video camera and get to it. Eliminating a distracting mannerism or two will help more of your conversations stay on track.

Listening sounds easy; all you have to do is pay attention to what your conversational partner is saying. But with so much competing for your attention—phones, computers, tasks—listening is riddled with challenges. Listening requires focusing on the person in front of you, and when people perceive that you aren’t listening, the conversational connection is threatened or broken.

There are four common bad listening habits.

1. Accepting distractions. It is a goofy quirk of the digital era that our communication is often disrupted…by communication. The moment we pause a face-to-face conversation to look at a new email, glance at a text message, or answer a ringing phone, our conversational link is in jeopardy. Even though you might not intend to send this message, glancing at an incoming message signals that you are fishing for a conversational upgrade. Resist the impulse to scan incoming messages or to accept all but the most urgent of interruptions. The conversation you are having right now is the most important conversation of all.

2. Forming counterarguments. Protect against the urge to line up counterarguments when you are supposed to be listening. Think less about the points you want to score on your next turn in the conversation, and more on what the other person is saying. Get out of your head and get into the conversation.

3. Switching topics. It’s hard for people to believe that you are really listening if you constantly switch topics. Don’t prematurely jerk the conversation away from what your conversational partner wants to talk about; let him have his say before you introduce a new topic. Chronic topic-switchers are perceived to be bad listeners.

4. Failing to provide listening signals. In addition to actually listening, people need to feel like you are listening. Provide listening signals throughout your conversations to convince people that you are paying attention. Maintaining periodic eye contact, responding with occasional statements like tell me more, go on, I hear you, or um-hmm, nodding your head occasionally, and incorporating the other person’s ideas into the conversation will provide indisputable feedback that you are listening.

The vital importance of listening skills can’t be overstated. Effective listening is a powerful interpersonal force for good. Don’t dribble it away with bad listening habits.

Treat an abrupt conversational ending as a learning opportunity because your conversational partner is really doing you—and your relationship—a favor by choosing to stop talking instead of responding to your words with a damaging escalation. You are being contained. Silently thank your partner, identify your conversation-stopping bad habit, and seek to eliminate it.

The most common conversation stoppers can be remembered by the acronym ABCC.

Advice: People hate advice, but we love to give it. This inherent tension creates more distance between people than virtually any other bad communication habit. The problem with advice is that it is almost always perceived as bald-faced criticism, and criticism usually exerts a chilling effect on conversations. Even in the two cases when advice-giving is sanctioned—with direct reports at work or with your children at home—it is tricky business.

Belittling: Putdowns, snide comments, little digs, and backhanded remarks. Whatever you call them, they kill conversations. Restrain yourself.

Contradiction: To borrow a rule from improvisational comedy, don’t say no or otherwise reject what your partner is proposing and you can keep the show going. A conversation isn’t an opportunity to tell your partner he is wrong—it’s an opportunity for two people to talk. The impulse to contradict is a habit that will make you lonely.

Certainty: Certainty stops conversations because it dares your conversational partner to suggest that you might be wrong. Smart communicators won’t touch your challenge with a ten-foot pole. They would rather let you have the last, conversation-stopping word than try to talk to out of your entrenched position. And don’t fool yourself—your conversational partner doesn’t think you are right. She just stopped talking because your sweeping certainty signaled that the conversation was over.

To reduce your conversation-stopping bad habits, analyze every single conversation that comes to an abrupt halt, identify the habit, and make a conscious decision to banish it. You don’t need a fancy technique to stop these bad communication habits because they are so incredibly easy to identify. Abrupt conversational endings are unnatural, and they will consistently point you toward the bad habits that you need to break.

You can’t afford to have people abandoning your conversations. Stop giving people a reason to flee from your words.

And bad communication habits are the most important behaviors of all to stop.

Repeated conversational errors are the telltale sign of a bad communication habit, and a single bad habit can make it seem like you are a pervasively poor communicator because one bad habit often causes a staggering amount of trouble.

There are four main categories of bad communication habits.

1. Conversation-Stopping Habits. A cluster of behaviors, like giving unsolicited advice, criticizing, contradicting, responding with sweeping certainty, or belittling often cause people to abruptly eject from conversations. These habits can be easy to identify because a conversation that is going along smoothly will suddenly hit a brick wall. Behind most conversations that end abruptly is a conversation-stopping bad habit.

2. Bad Listening Habits. It is not enough to listen—your conversational partner has to believe that you are listening as well. Behaviors such as failing to incorporate new information into a conversation, frequently losing your place in a conversation, or repeating yourself too often can make it seem like you are not listening. And if this perception takes hold—in spite of the fact that you might actually be listening—your conversation will falter.

3. Habits that Distract or Confuse People. Many issues cause conversational distraction or confusion, such as a disconnect between your nonverbal expressions and your words, too many inconsistencies in your message, overloading someone with information, or reflexively reacting to an incoming email or text message in the middle of a conversation. Distracting body movements and eccentric verbal tendencies (like excessive or insufficient pausing between statements) can also disrupt a conversation and lead to problematic, error-prone interactions.

4. Bad Questioning Habits. Bad questioning habits can easily make a conversation feel like an interrogation, and cause your conversational partner to either clam up, or to push back aggressively against your loaded, leading, and occasionally loathsome questions. Bad questioning habits often cause apprehension, anxiety, and mistrust to bloom in a conversation, and can lead your conversational partner  to conclude that your questions are rigged against her. Bad questioning habits give rise to lopsided and hesitant interactions.

Pay attention this week to any conversations you have that are awkward, erratic, or otherwise problematic, and see if they were caused by one of the four categories above. Note also how often the problem repeats. Next week, we’ll discuss ways to eliminate your troublesome communication habits.

The good news is that extinguishing a single bad communication habit often wipes out a series of repeating communication errors. The swiftest route to better communication runs right through a stop sign.